Dateline: Washington, DC
Today, President Obama declared a War on Error. In a speech delivered at the White House Rose Garden, he told reporters, “This marks the beginning of a new era for America. We’ve seen too many mistakes made in the name of politics and progress. It’s time to clean up our act. This is not the change we were asking for. But if you want me to apologize for not getting out of Iraq and Afghanistan on day one, as I had promised, you’re not going to get it. Quite simply, I don’t make mistakes. There was no error.
“But when someone talks about conspiracies, this would be the biggest error anyone could make. Talk to anyone about this or the last government being evil, and we will find you. That would be the biggest error of your life.”
Professor Wartsenall of Mid-Southern University commented, “With America’s track record on wars against something, we are likely to experience a sharp increase in errors across the country. Already, motor vehicles has sent me a new drivers license two years before my current one expires, yet they misspelled my name. The strangest error, though, was when the Internal Revenue Service sent me a check for $38 billion. Naturally, it would be an error for me to cash it, but if you don’t hear from me after this interview, I’ll let you figure out what happened.”
Assemblyman Todd Itolduso from Los Anchorish told reporters, “This is merely another attempt by the government to cover up their already growing incompetence. After Donald Rumsfeld announced $2.3 Trillion missing in 2001, the day before 9/11, we can only guess what they’ve done now to require a new war on something.” He went on to say, “Every time we have a war against this or a war against that, we end up getting far more of the same. I suspect this is by design, instead of by continued incompetence. This way, someone continues to make money off of the growing, albeit artificial, need.”
Pastor Borninsin, Rotten Hollow Church of West Oblivion, Utah, gave a more religious perspective on the president’s announcement. “We live in an age when fighting and conflict are normal. But Christ said that we must not resist evil. The president’s call for war feeds our growing need for resisting evil or giving into it. But each is a different face of the same corruption. Resisting evil is every bit as bad as giving into it. The solution is simple, but counterintuitive: turn away from it. Don’t give it any strength or attention.”
War on Error: Comparisons
News of this new war caused many in the media to reflect on other wars waged by the nation, most notably, the War on Terror. The nation’s efforts to combat terrorism entered its twenty-third year, making it the longest military war in American history. In the meantime, President Obama said that he will not run for a sixth term, yet he will set aside the remainder of his final term to the establishment of a bureaucracy dedicated to handling this new War on Error. He estimates that this new war will create some 30 million additional jobs, decreasing the nation’s unemployment rate significantly, depending on whether or not you count those who have already given up looking for work.
Wall Street analyst, Gyorgi Fudgikov gave reporters the financial perspective on this new war: “Perhaps the biggest weapon against error is statistics. Nearly all error can be eliminated with the right statistical model. Though, I doubt many on Wall Street will aid in the elimination of something that could prove quite lucrative.”
CIA Director George Bonecrunch, said his agency is ready with all the latest torture techniques to be used against those caught producing errors. He told reporters, “I suspect we will need a new agency to oversee the detection of errors. Otherwise, we will have no ability to correct them.”
Much as the War on Terror benefited the Military Industrial Complex, this new War on Error is certain to benefit banks, stock markets and bureaucracies throughout the West.
The president asked Congress to allocate 4.8 Trillion dollars to wage this new war. Some in Congress have wondered who will be the recipient of so much money, but like the missing 2.3 Trillion dollars Donald Rumsfeld mentioned on the day before 9/11, perhaps it won’t be spent, but merely absorbed into the corrupt fabric of government.
When asked from where we borrow the money, the president simply stated, “From the Fed, of course. They create the money out of nothing, and that we owe them a deep debt of gratitude, plus trillions in interest. It would be an error to think of getting rid of the Fed. We need a source of debt. And since we no longer have a debt ceiling, we can do everything we need to do to secure the economy and the nation.”
Comment on War on Error:
I hope you’ve enjoyed this little satire.
Can America have sunk so low that the patterns of its errors are so obvious, yet so many in the public are so oblivious to them? Right now, Fearless Leader is pushing efforts to cool down the planet while we reside in an ongoing Ice Age. This is an error of gargantuan proportions, yet the Corporate mouthpieces blithely repeat his inane pronouncements.
Who promotes cooling in an Ice Age? (And yes we are. Just look at those little white things on the poles.) Either they are extremely stupid, or extremely evil. I don’t know which is worse. Ideas?
This article was originally published 2015:1107 on And-The-Pursuit-Of-Happiness.com.